But first, I owe you something.

I've been gone. I know. Big elephant in the room.

But I'm going to be positive and joyful, and also very truthful about the season I came out of.

Through it all, God will get the glory. Because every breaking, trial, setback, and endless tear was ... is ... all worth it.

My heart pounds and my eyes well up as I write this letter to you. Regardless of opinions some may have formed (I honestly would not know since I have been in heavy consecration time with God ... and I'll explain how in a second so hang in there with me), I love deeply, and when I put my heart into something I am led to do ... especially when other people I prayed to be able to bless one day ... I go all in. 120% and nothing less, and if you know me, you will have already nodded your head.

But beyond my love to serve you ... yes YOU ... is my heart's adoration ... my love to serve God.

And if you know anything about walking closely with the Most High, you know it's not about your will. In fact, the reason you're even breathing right now is because of Him, and He does not owe us anything. He WANTS to give us everything ... so much so He allows us to go through refining fires and hard tests of sacrificial obedience because He knows that is what it takes to get there.

Me walking away from people I love dearly, or choosing to obey God by putting my phone (noise) down for a season(s), is not me feeling superior. It is all about surrender. It is not about me not caring about you. It is about me caring so much so that it hurt me many times over ... to me and my own family's hurt ... with my inability at times to practice self control when it came to boundaries ... which is why I was often up all throughout the night, 5 days a week (or more). Again, IYKYK.

But that is why I am writing this message to you, word by word, in the stillness and deep ponder.

I want to say ... thank you. THANK YOU to every one of you who ever watched a video of mine. Who ever left a comment or gave me a like. To everyone who sent me a private message, I could never seem to get to all of them ... so to the many of you who never heard back from me ... please know I saw your message and it blessed me!!

And to the thousands over the past few years who have purchased a product from me or supported me in some way, I want you to know YOU are a piece of the beautiful Mosaic that God has been silently weaving together behind closed doors.

With over 30k hours of graphic design, code and development research and application, custom builds and software solutions ... 5 back to back business model inventions that consistently scale at 6+ figure launches for clients or partners, my own software company with clients (now turned mentors and friends) like bada** women like The Wall Street's Minute and Rhonda Swan Show: Rhonda Swan, and best selling author and inventor of the FasciaBlaster, with long time clients and friends like Jennifer Aniston, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kelly Slater, and Jessica Alba and more, Ashley Black is a woman on mission and walking strong in her purpose. I am not only inspired by these women but after watching and getting to know them this past 6 months to 1 year and working closely together, they both been such an example of hard work ... but ALSO a very heavy lesson God has been showing me this kairos season of "holy pause. alignment. presence."

It doesn't get "easier," but it does get better.

In the stillness and the pause, God was showing me daily each step to take. Reminding me of lessons I once mastered, but somehow let slip out of my hands in the success and hustle.

And then everything made sense. Even the heart wrenching misunderstandings and betrayals I suffered (and I MEAN SUFFERED) this past year. And I will not sugar coat and pretend that did not absolutely rip my heart out of my chest and poke 30 holes in my tires.

And what was even harder than being misunderstood and lied about openly (and viciously) and betrayed by greed in people who I trusted the most, wasn't even the fact I was stolen from or severely taken advantage of and left on the curb after pouring my last pennies into someone else's vision while mine took a back seat ... only to lose both in the end ... but it was the fact that people I truly loved and who getting up for in the morning motivated me. I chased the smile I would see or the reaction I would get when they would finally see my text of how well we did, a breakthrough first ever moment, or a new record in their business. All I wanted to do was serve and help ... so when the people I loved the very most and prayed every day to help all I could make them successful ... accused me of the polar opposite, it was nearly unfathomable.

And because I did not understand it, sometimes I reacted ... never publicly (I knew better. Doesn't mean I didn't want to. Trust me. Lol. God had mercy making me keep my mouth shut) ... with tears and questions, that, to my utter disappointment, they took as evidence.

One heel upon the other was thrashing me from side to side, with public and private betrayals, broken promises from developers ... costing me my last bit of savings and all my loan credit ... only to see nothing but broken platforms and hundreds of people leaving and speaking about me on social media and pockets of the very community I did everything to rise up and create something special for so they did not lose their money's worth or momentum.

We had people making 20k-30k/m in commissions in 1-2 months, growing by hundreds a week ... me even crying days before the worst attack and surprise betrayal and gross misunderstanding of my entire life had ever taken place, I got a text from the woman I considered my friend and poured in to help ... that made all the long nights and hundreds ... thousands of hours worth it. I even screenshotted and saved it because seeing it brought joy ... knowing that even me ... as a high school dropout without a GED ... could help someone with a million+ followers who made 7 figures in 7 months ... "make more money while doing this little effort I don't know what to do with my time now I have so much of it."

And you know what? That is what it is all about.

Doesn't matter what people think or say ... or what lies of devils or evil they choose to be convinced by ... it all served the greater purpose ... God's purpose.

And when you realize that the hard things and tests you go through to refine and equip you, the more freedom you can walk in. We get to choose. How we think, how we react, how we ponder about things and wish evil upon someone, but until we realize that we have the power to choose and to be, we will always let others have power over us. Doesn't mean things won't hurt and people won't be people ... it just means your perspective is different, and when you believe differently, you begin to see differently. And when you begin to see differently, you become different ... and NOW you can step into who God has been calling you to step into the whole time. You were just getting ready for it and didn't know it yet.

Hurt hearts most often don't get taken into elevated seasons. Some seasons of blessings can be for the PURPOSE of healing, like it was for me specifically (separated from my family for years and escaped in 2020 ... traumatized and confused and despondent and brainwashed I was not allowed to have a lot of money because it would make me fall into pride or evil etc). It was healing for me to experience extreme growth when I did because instead of it making me greedy, it actually ended up hurting me in the opposite way, me not realizing it until God made it a lesson later on.

But the problem with getting breakthrough in finances, especially like what happened to me and all the miracles God did with someone like me ... especially me lol ... is that we can't go into blessed seasons with unhealed, bitter hearts, or hearts that waver in fear and doubt, one day loving and praising God and the next day feeling condemned to hell because of a fleeting thought you had.

Equipping and development takes time. Patience. And great faith. Because through the dark nights of the soul, wilderness season, Job season, or whatever you want to call it, this is when God stretches you the most after you have had the time and season to develop and mature in the very things you failed your last test season because of, and stayed stuck going around the mountain not realizing you're not making progress because God is waiting on you to take action on what HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU TO DO (OR NOT TO DO).

Who am I speaking to right now??

Anyway, the hard things we go through are actually our breakthrough in disguise.

And sometimes we look a little delulu going through a season of surrender and testing as God is preparing to elevate us and level us up to be able to withstand the things we have been praying and believing for. Eventually God says "it's time", and the faithfulness, the seeds sewn in midnight tears when no one saw begin to sprout and God throws his Miracle-Gro on that sucker and it blossoms right in front of the very person who selfishly tried to pluck it up without valid reason.

And it's not because you will gloat about your accomplishments or blessings in front of them with an L pointed at them on your forehead, no. It's to bear and witness so much fruit that even they can't help but say and know, "maybe there is a God", or ... for the believers who got it twisted ... "it was God the whole time."

How will you know if you have been pruned enough to love and pray for even your worst (one-sided) enemies? You pray for them. Through the tears and pain in your chest you genuinely miss them and wish them well. You ask God to forgive them, because obviously they got their "facts" wrong. You even wish one day you could see them again and hug them and tell them thank you ... because they were a big part of your testimony.

And I am not only talking about emotional breakthrough. I am talking about financial and spiritual breakthrough as well. Because God does not just leave you in a wilderness. Just like everything has a time and a season, a wilderness season has an end date ... even though it always (ALWAYS) seems never ending.

And I am convinced after many years of going through healing, deliverance, warfare, willing and torturous self restraint (a long season in my early walk of listening to others tell me God wanted me to fast 3-4 days a week without food or water for 5 years while being unable to contact my family and tell them I was alive ... even though sleep was 3 hours maximum and if I was allowed to eat or drink water ... it was beans and rice to keep demons away. Another story for another time, God willing.).

The point is, whatever severity your wilderness season or seasons look like, the things the enemy sent to destroy you are the very things God will use to open your next door of breakthrough you didn't see coming. You stayed the course because you love God. It's always a yes and amen from you and when you obey God and allow Him to heal you, once He heals you He will strengthen you in the very areas you were attacked in. Those very areas are 99% of the time tied to your purpose, which is why the enemy tried cutting you down at the knees.

Even after my platforms broke with hundreds of active users. I had multiple Stripe accounts closed, nearly 6 figures held hostage and 50% of those being affiliate commissions due, being abandoned by people I leaned on who promised they would support my mission and vision, only to pull out the last bit of financial security I had after a process of obedience and surrender. Mortgage late. Bills piling up.

Yet I knew God told me to cut the last strings ... the few old subscriptions that were tied to the season and product of betrayal I was alluding to. The one I tried rescuing by picking up, carrying, and trying to run with the vision that was not mine (and I did not want pink branding everywhere either). Yes, the business model was mine ... and I was excited when the influencer finally agreed to let me implement it for her because I knew she would have a 6 figure launch and we did just like time and time before with the models God allowed me to bring or co-bring to market. But this was her baby and her project, and me scrambling to create something for the 400 people who had recently signed up was not the final project I was meant to carry into the future with me.

I was still in heavy training. I didn't know what I know now, and I am grateful God did not give me the gift of influence in that season. Contrary to the pleas of dozens of people, I had decided to close down that product ... or what became of it anyway.

After the betrayal, it was the courage I needed in the midst of it all to finally keep pursuing and perfecting the solution to the model I had been refining the past 1+ years and 2 SaaS awards later and a couple burn the boats moments to keep acquiring what skills and resources were needed to perfect my blue ocean affiliate army and creator ecosystem models.

That required much sacrifice from me, and of course a double dose of misunderstandings mixed with 3 visionary and founder women ... all top 1% in the market at what they did who came together to create the world's first of its kind SaaS network marketing software built on top of and alongside Go High Level (the company of the friends and partners I was telling you about earlier).

I knew we were on to something, and us girls even got to share in a once in a lifetime experience together ... not only as 3 female SaaS and tech founders featured on USA Today, but also 3 women who got to experience the utter disappointment of running with an MVP and onboarding someone you care about and is your friend, who trusts you with 6k of her community members and their money. I was grateful to say the very least, and she was so excited.

Until launch day. When everything broke. And crumbled. And it was a sh*t show. Lawsuits, chargebacks, influencers I had sold the vision and invested hundreds of hours in who were ready to promote who dropped me, and embarrassment on my brand and name since at that point I had recently become the first ever person in a new model with MRR and digital courses to earn 6 figures within the social media and influencer community. That opportunity grew to have over 1 million promoters of that business and model in 2023.

And remember how I said I burned the boats ... willingly? The first (and by first I mean like the 10th since my whole life has been a climb and seasons of lessons and refinement. I was a pretty ... VERY ... messed up and tortured soul. Arrests, time in jail, fighting, nearly unalived multiple times, severely addicted to every perverse thing you can think of, and years of secrets, abuse, and trauma. That is what I mean when I say "God can use even me ... especially me." That is how good He is!

Was it scary? Without doubt, especially because it was new and I was at the peak of my career. I knew in order to pursue and problem solve for these influencers and digital marketers in my immediate and close circle, it would require me to jump. There was no way I could do both, especially since my whole motivation to create this new model was because of the gaps and pain points us top earners experienced of being stuck on our phones all day, or my biggest pain point ... making nearly 60k my first months with my MRR course sales and then starting at zero all over again the next month... I knew that was not sustainable. I knew God was calling me forward.

I knew the developer I was introduced to and told would make it all happen after the countless hours of brainstorming and mapping ... was a bit cookoo. More than that ... he turned out to be downright nasty. And I fought the temptation for a long time feeling to blame myself for what happened to my friend, who went back and forth between hating and loving me knowing it wasn't my fault and I got burned also (though not as bad as she did). It was really hard. And like I said, friends who were excited to push with me no longer trusted the vision. I didn't blame them.

After my first ever devastating crash with a developer (there's been multiple), I had to make the choice to go back or keep moving forward.

I decided to obey God. Allll the way into the loans and the fear and the sometimes sadness I would feel looking at my new dream house realizing we never got to move in or enjoy it because my face was in a computer all day and all night. No one had done what we were doing before. No one really knew how to help us. We were becoming the blueprint. And our persistence paid off. 1200+ users in 7 months. Nearly 6 figures in half a year. And the confidence it planted as a seed of faith.

It was beautiful, but as all the seasons God used to get me here and prepare me, it came to an end. And that is when I learned a lesson I knew all so well, but was experiencing for the first time in business, with women I considered like blood ... that some people and things God uses in one season isn't always meant to follow you into your next, and before God opens that door, there is a hallway moment of pause and preparation that looks to others like being ignorant, irresponsible, or unbalanced, but for you is fresh water from the well you have been sipping from time and time again, getting glimpses as God prepares you for your kairos moment ... the God ordained time and intersection between your purpose and opportunity.

Destiny's doors are heavy. Reflecting is heavy. Healing of the heart is heavy. It is you deciding through the tears, as God has you sit and weep as the pain drains away in His presence, that you still trust God. You still believe people deserve to be forgiven despite what your hurt tells you in the moment you feel it.

If God forgave me after all I have done, and chosen to give me a new beginning with joy abounding, and clarity and discernment in perspective in dark seasons, then I can forgive others.

The enemy wants us to sit with our hurt. To baby our wounds, but God says it's time to rip the bandaid off now and step up and into the person you know you were created to be.

God wants you to know right now ... He sees you. He KNOWS the pain they caused you ... and He is here to help you move on from that. Give it to Him and He will uncover the parts of your heart you need to see fully in order to heal. The parts He loves about you. The gifts He gave you that inspire even Him when you walk in them.

You know you are anointed. You know you are chosen and called ... even highly favored. But you can't seem to get a break, or you don't know how even God can take this away from you.

He is here to tell you right now ... He will. He is. He has a whole new life prepared for you if you would only be impassioned to know that. To explore that rich and deep love He has for you that the enemy tries to keep hidden from you by all his wiles and distractions.

You, my love, my friend, are a rare beauty and jewel to Him, and He says to you: